Signs

I was laid off on Friday. There were some strange events that took place immediately before it happened, that I'm going to note here.

• The broken glass and cut finger. I was washing a wine glass and it broke in my hand, leaving me with a severely cut finger, for which I ended up going to the hospital for. This happened Monday night, I was laid off on Friday morning.

• The achey feeling in my body. For about 2 weeks prior to my layoff, my body had dull aches; in  my shoulders, my arms, my hands, knees, calfs, feet. Then shooting pains in the back of my thighs. It was super annoying and strange. But after I was given the bad news on Friday all the pains suddenly receded and have gone away.

• Lana and I had just spoken at length about layoffs on the day prior, during our 1-on-1. She told me Vincent still has not been paid his last check, and that they did the same to Manu. 

• Kiddy and I spoke about layoffs at my company the night before as well. It seemed to be in the air. 

• I was sent home after being given the bad news. As I walked to the S-Bahn I passed by an apartment building where I had once lived, up on the second floor. 

By coincidence the front door was wide open. I slowed my pace to get a good long look inside as I walked past, and then doubled back to look even more. The exterior had been completely reworked since I lived there, but now I could see they had re-done the hallway as well. A woman looked at me curiously as she entered the building, apparently a tenant, and I suddenly felt self conscious. 

"I used to live there," I told her, trying to explain myself. 

The woman paused in the doorway, intrigued, "Really?" 

We struck up a conversation, and she filled me in on the last 10 years of activity in the place. 

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Life had become too routine, too. There was a creepy sense that everything had come to a close and I was repeating the same day over and over again, without anything to look forward to or try to achieve. It was like life had become a giant gaping chasm of open void. This, more than anything should have alerted me to the fact that a giant shift was about to occur. 

Note: Before A announced his resignation 2 months ago, I also had a strong impression the night before that he was going to do so, and I even had a kind of mental conversation with him, trying to talk him out of it. He was surprised the next day when I knew what his 'big news' was before he told it to me. 

Down the rabbit hole

Spent the day analysing the astrology of 2020 for my rising sign, Libra. It led me down a rabbit hole of immense length and depth, and here I am and it's 8pm. 

I also took a hike down memory lane by reading a bunch of old posts I made back in 2004. It was part of the astrological deep-dive – to examine how future patterns may imitate events from the past. But it also brought home how social I used to be, or seemed to be. I don't remember myself being so social. 

And it made me realise how much I need this silly online journal, to keep a record of events so I can reflect and look back on them and remember the things I have gone through and when they occurred. As it is, I couldn't tell you what I did in 2013 or 2014, they feel empty and without texture. 2014 was actually a terrible year, I've probably forgotten it deliberately. 

So I'm going to start writing again. Even if no one is here any more. 

Kind of sad that no one is here any more. Fucking Facebook.

Crappy iPhone photo of the latest painting, 'Picatrix'

Ok, I need to get my ass in the studio and put the first layer on Picatrix's gradient. Here it is, sans gradient. 

It's a silver dung beetle rising up from a nice blue chair that's rising from a tear in reality. The soon-to-be-there gradient will represent a state of transition. Taken as a whole, the piece is meant to be a visual representation of magic, or a magic spell.

Gotta open the windows and pray the chemicals don't give me a migraine this time. 

Fasting and unemployment

Just laid down the pink gradient on Picatrix. Looking good, but I want to see it in natural daylight and when the paint has dried to fully assess the situation. For now I still consider it work in progress, but it's probably finished.

'Picatrix', 60cm x 60cm, oil on canvas.

It just occurs to me that I'm at 47 hours of a water fast. Almost a full two days, I'm impressed with myself. 

I'm aiming for 60 hours – only because at work we are having a team lunch, and I don't intend to sit there with a glass of water. 

Why are we having a team lunch? Because I was laid off on Friday and the whole team is a little shaken. I'm still a little shaken, too, to be honest.

So this means I'm officially in work purgatory. My awesome German work contract protects me by stating that the company must continue to employ me for 3 additional months after announcing my termination. It's fantastic financially — and I'm 100% happy that my ass is covered like this – but it has the drawback of being mentally and emotionally awkward. I want to move on to other things, and everyone who wasn't laid off has survivor's guilt. So continuing to work for the next 3 months is going to be weird.

Whatever, we'll probably all be working from home in a couple weeks due to coronavirus anyway.

Still trying to figure out what I want to do. Take some time off to focus on painting? Or just jump back in with another job? 

What is the right step for me right now? What do I even want?